Asian Dad

I’m flawed

August 18th, 2008 Posted in all about me, ramblings

You know, I try to envision myself as some smart, handsome, giving, thoughtful guy that’s got great taste in food and music and as an added bonus, a loving husband and father… but sadly, I don’t even come anywhere close in reality. yup, I’m one flawed, damaged individual.

Let’s take a moment to delve a little deeper into my flaws.

why, you ask?

maybe to better understand myself? exploring the depths of the darkness within might let in some light. revealing one’s shortcomings to others is therapy, is it not?

aww, who am I kidding?

Let me just blog some more of this nonsense and be done with it…

-I procrastinate with the best of ‘em. work. home. bills. family. friends. they all suffer from my extraordinary talent.

-envy. when I see neighbors, friends, acquaintances, even strangers much more well-off than I am, I get pissed. there’s so much I want and want to do but unfortunately we’re so strapped financially which is totally stressing me out. a big phooey! on all those that are financially sound. … phooey! on all those that seem to live happier lives than me. … and phooey! on those that are better looking than me!!

-two-faced people piss me off. extremely. like I get off-the-handle-crazy if I find out about someone being that way to me or my family. …but the sad fact is that I’m probably guilty of being two-faced to others…

-I lie more than I would like to. to my family. friends. and especially to my spouse. it comes too easy. sometimes uncontrollably. and I don’t know why! makes me sad at times.

-I also cuss more than I should. especially while driving. motherfuckers!

-I’ve never cheated on the wife but I have come dangerously close. the wife knows about what happened and will *never* forgive me for it. she will *never* forget about it and not a week goes by without her reminding me about it.

-and even though I love the internets and all, I have to admit that it also allows me to indulge the darker, seedier side of me. sometimes I feel like I’ve got multi-personality disorder. good vs. the-not-so-good. I can see myself starting on that long, lonely, desperate road to the looney bin.

-I have grown to extremely dislike my parents. due to the strife they cause within my marriage.

-I have lost my faith. After attending church for most of my life, I’m no longer part of any organized religion. partly due to my lack of effort in reading the bible and praying. and partly due to the two-faced Christians that have all let me down at one point or another. I’m hoping to find my way back somehow but for the moment, I’ll stay lost.

-I find myself lusting after my boss from time to time. (it’s not a guy if that’s what you’re thinking.) Especially when she wears her short skirts. Nothing will become of it, I’m sure. but I do have my fantasies…

-I get depressed and defeated too easily. it doesn’t take much to get me there.

-I have no patience. that’s definitely why I’m not a teacher. but those that have to learn from me at work or even my kids at home have to suffer for my lack of patience. I get frustrated so easily.

-I feel like I’m running on some sort of hamster wheel. running endlessly and going nowhere fast. spinning my wheels for no good reason. just more fuel to add to my bouts of depression.

-I worry that I can’t have a real conversation with my wife anymore. a decent conversation not having to do with the kids or the house or errands or what’s for dinner or what’s on TV.

-I keep secrets from the wife. stuff that I’d hate for her to know about. … like this blog, for example.

-I’m not a good friend. apparently. since I lost touch with the majority of my so called friends over the last ten years.

-trust issues. can’t seem to be able to put my trust on anyone or anything for that matter. no one’s reliable these days.

-I’ve inherited my dad’s temper. most of the time I have it under wraps but every so often I go into an uncontrollable rage at very inappropriate times. for instance, years ago I went totally berserk on a Mickey D’s drive-thru employee not b/c of something they did but b/c I was mad at the wife. scary stuff.

-I fantasize about not being married and not having kids but then feel totally guilty about having those thoughts.

-I have a tendency to admit things to total strangers on a blog that I would NEVER reveal to someone in person.

OK. that’s about it. So, how do you like me now?